Just Breathe

Right now, as I type this, I am crying and my heart is very heavy and full of sadness.

Earlier this evening, I was searching the internet for websites/blogs about "large" families (meaning more than 3 kids). I was reading people's opinions as to whether or not it is better to have 3 or 4 children. As you know from my previous posts, I've had baby on the brain lately. Recently, I had a date night with my husband in which he told in so many words, that it wasn't COMPLETELY out of the question--but it would be something we'd have to SERIOUSLY think about. A one in a million chance? "So you're saying there's a chance?" HA! A little Jim Carey for ya. I digress...

But in my usual, seemingly endless nighttime Googling...I ended up back on Facebook and saw that a friend had liked a post on someone else's page. However, that someone else, isn't "here" anymore. You see, his page is one that he set up in 2013 when he found out he had stage four lung cancer and needed some financial help for his family. Apparently since then he has been in and out of treatments, was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer and from what I can gather became unresponsive to treatments. He just passed away at the end of August. He's 2 years younger than me and based on the people I know who have liked his "Team" page, he must have gone to high school with me (actually just confirmed that). He left behind a beautiful wife and two adorable children--a boy, age 5 and a girl who is about 2.

The most recent post on his page (the one that my friend "liked") was a montage of pictures of his life set to the song "Just Breathe" by Eddie Vedder (if you don't know this song, I urge you to drop everything and listen to it.) The video started out with pictures of his mom pregnant with him, then showed images of him as a baby, him with his brothers and so on up until it shows him in the last few months, and closes with a shot of him with his wife and kids. And I just started crying so hard.

Watching that video tonight made me remember the entire reason I set up this blog--to remember EVERY DAY, that JOY trumps perfect. Being happy and having joy beats out any desire to be "perfect" in every example you could ever think of.

In my 30's--OK, late 30's--I have finally started to reach that point in life that I've heard so much about. That quintessential point where you begin to stop caring (as much) what others think, and where you start becoming comfortable in your own skin. Where you begin to realize that your mom was right when she said, "Money can't buy you happiness" and your dad said, "You can't take it with you when you die." It's not about THINGS--life is about loving others and reveling in the joy that comes from the little moments.

Today, against my husbands advice, I went to the store. He told me yesterday that we were going to have to watch our spending until we get paid again. But I went to the store anyway and somehow spent $165. Yes, some of that was groceries, but a good chunk of that was unnecessary items that I/WE just don't NEED. I am the first to admit that this is one of my biggest faults if not THE biggest. And I'm also finding it the hardest one to change. But I'm aware of it. Isn't that the first step? (sorry--always throwing out a little humor.)

Anyway, I also hoped that starting this blog would help me FEEL accountable to those kinds of excessive actions. I thought "talking" it out (or typing) might help. I have so many thoughts about what is the RIGHT thing to do or what SHOULD be important, but my actions don't always follow suit.

And since they kind of happened subsequently--the reading about families with more than 3 kids and then watching the montage video of a person my age with a spouse and young kids--now I'm starting to wonder if the desire to have one more child isn't also "excessive?" It's so hard to TRULY answer that question because in this situation, we're not talking about a pretty dress at Anthropologie or some jeans at Nordstrom. We're talking about a LIFE, a human being. Watching that video tonight of this person's life made me really take a step back.

I guess what I really need is to reorganize my priorities.

LIVING life is like being in a classroom every single day. I'm learning EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Sadly, the lessons I'm learning now seem much more important than some of the ones I paid for in college. So no, I'm NOT perfect and yes, I'm still learning. Just because I started a blog titled "Joy Trumps Perfect" doesn't mean that I've found ALL the answers and that I am there--all perfect and whatnot. NOPE, not me.

I'm not saying that I've changed my mind about wanting one more child. I'm just saying that I think sometimes, we all need that reality check to bring us back down to...well, reality and to remind us of what is really important.

My heart aches for this family who is left without a husband and a father (and a son and a brother). And to think, that could be us. Or a close family member. Or a good friend. So, for the time being, I just want to focus on ALL the little things that bring us joy. Maybe right now is not the time to be worrying about growing our family, but rather ENJOYING us just the way we are. And it's certainly not the time to be stocking up on unnecessary "things." Things aren't going to make me a better person or teach my children right from wrong. We have to stock up on love and happiness and remember that Joy (and love) trump perfection. And we have to remember to "Just Breathe."

"Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side."