Is this my "Awakening?"

As a quick follow up to my last post...I just read this article that a friend posted on FB called "10 Life Changes You Can't Avoid on the Path to Awakening" which I found VERY fitting for this particular time in my life. Hopefully it's not too "metaphysical" for anyone :) ...I just think it has a good message. Below, I've copied and pasted a summary and threw in my thoughts after each numbered point.

1. Healing your relationships with your parents & family:

Re-frame the past and you can create a limitless future.

My thoughts--I think this is mostly relating to your parents and maybe siblings (which I don't have). My relationship with my mom is good. It's not perfect, but it's CERTAINLY not bad. We have grown closer as I've gotten older, especially now that I have children and can appreciate her. My real father is deceased and my parents were divorced at a very young age and he lived in a different state. So we weren't close. And I'm ok with that. I definitely think growing up without him made me view love and relationships differently than my friends. But I've accepted that it happened that way for a reason and I don't dwell on it.

2. Re-locating or traveling outside of where you grew up: 

Once you branch out, explore and give yourself permission to fresh exposure to the World, you’ll find you can ground-in and call home somewhere that is most relevant with your values and desires for your lifestyle and career at this point in your life.

My thoughts--While moving away from our current city doesn't appear to be in the cards for us anytime soon, I will say that travel has taught me a great deal about life and is something I truly treasure. I don't get to do it anymore...but I LOVE to travel! ha!! I think it just opens your eyes to so many new things and it also helps you gain perspective. My husband hasn't traveled nearly as much as I have so on the few trips we've taken together, I really enjoying watching him "take it all in."

3. Leaving Behind Unhealthy, Toxic & Stuck Relationships:

It [comes] down to one simple fact, I want to work everyday to improve myself and I need to ensure I have good people around me doing the same. Remember you can stay in touch with people you care about, but don’t force change on anyone, let it come to them. In meantime, do what you need to do to care for yourself.

My thoughts--Done and DONE!

4.Constantly Improving Your Diet & Exercise Routine:

Our diets are designed to evolve, and have been doing so since the beginning of time. Be open to exploring various healthful diets that truly work for you, and be open to new things, as technology is exponentially enhancing the world of nutrition. The same is true for exercise!

My thoughts--OH, so it IS ok that I've tried every diet and exercise fad in the book?!?!?! Kidding...but I'm always reading about the newest health and fitness trends and so far I have sort of found that "Everything in Moderation" is my motto (and not just when it comes to diet and exercise). I try to eat healthy and lately, I have been exercising--well, up until my surgery that is :) I want to be better about this though. I try to remember that we only have this one life and this one body to live in, so we should treat it like gold! Easier said than done when frozen chicken nuggets and string cheese are required dinner 2 nights a week. 

5. Let Go of Clutter, Chaos & Old Stuff:

Clutter and chaos is not rebellious and it’s not sexy. It’s sloppy and a sign of lack of true self-care and awareness. I know it takes a lot to maintain our rapid modern lives, but the tighter, cleaner and more organized you keep things, the better results you’ll have with your ambitions, I promise.

Old stuff needs to go! Physical objects with high emotional attachment can hold a lot of our emotional energy. I am reminded of when I told my friend to throw out his old-shoes he had been hanging on to, because he didn't know where the money would come from to get a new pair and guess what? He manifested a high paying gig and a new home within a week after releasing those beat up shoes! Our stuff can be a physical representation of clinging to the past, and letting go of old things means we open up for new opportunities, clarity, gifts and miracles from the Universe.

My thoughts--Now THIS, this is what I'm talking about. This is something I truly need to wrap my head around and focus on changing IMMEDIATELY! I hold on to WAY to much for "sentimental" reasons...but I also hoard things...like flip flops, nail polish and white tank tops. WTH?

6. Become a Constant Learner & Student of Life: Learning is an evolutionary process, which means we must become more of who we are in each moment by learning new information, tools and approaches towards life. A willingness to learn is a willingness to grow. All suffering comes from resistance to change.

My thoughts--See!!!! I just said yesterday that I feel like life is a permanent school, and I am constantly learning!

7. Finding Conscious Community to Surround Yourself With: I believe it’s vital that we all come together at this time to find other people who share our same interests, pursuits and values. The easiest way to grow is to grow with others who are on the same path as you, and in order to find this, you need to find your community and develop your own path.

My thoughts--right now, I'm good. I don't need more friends or more acquaintances. My close friends are all on the same "journey" of being in our late 30's and just figuring out life as we go. Some are mothers like me and some are not. But circling back to #3--since I don't surround myself with toxic people anymore, I feel very comfortable with my current "community."

8. Creating a New Relationship with Yourself & Your Lifestyle:

No more self sabotage or self depreciation! As an awakened individual you have to be truly loving and kind to yourself. This means reducing your negative thoughts and emotions towards yourself and others. It also means, no more beating yourself or others up for the circumstances you are in, and then you can take responsibility for your relationship with yourself and your lifestyle. You can design your internal and external reality however you wish, you just need to give yourself permission and the confidence to do so! It takes time and patience. You got this!

My thoughts--a dear friend once told me at a very poignant time that it's "All about your perspective." Of course I had heard that a million times before. But when she brought it to the forefront, I was home with a newborn, our older son was about 2.5, and I was sleep deprived and exhausted (and baby #2 was a crier!). She gave me these words of wisdom--"It's a blessing, not a curse." It changed my perspective at 3am when he was screaming...it IS a blessing that I have a healthy child. I shouldn't be annoyed that my baby needs me! Again, not the easiest thing to do EVERY time, but that little mantra SERIOUSLY got me out of some dark times!

After that time in my life and especially after the birth of baby #3, I have definitely taken a step back and re-evaluated what is important to me and changed my perspective when times get tough. And as I've mentioned, I've realized that it's not all about "things" and about being perfect...it's about being loved, giving love and being happy. I recently had the courage to put on a bikini (just in my bedroom--not out in public--but a HUGE step to even put it on!). And I actually thought..."Hmmm, not BAD for 37."  I'm slowly accepting my body and learning that I'm never going to look like I did when I was 22 again. So to have that kind of weight lifted is extremely freeing. And it allows me to say, "Maybe I won't look like I did when I was 22, but I want to be strong and healthy so I can live a longer life and be there for my family." 

9. Choosing a Career in Alignment with Your Heart’s Calling:

You can’t work some kind of soul-sucking job, even if it does pay good. Settling with a career that doesn’t truly fulfill you isn’t worth it. Why wake up one day with regret when you could wake up with a legacy?

Following your heart’s calling in your career can be extremely challenging, because it means you will have to do lots of illogical things that people around you may not understand. However, if you are making truly heartfelt decisions, it will always lead you in the right direction.

Listen to what your true calling is, and if you don’t know it yet, start trying things out until you find it. Everyone’s calling is evolving constantly and it’s not about finding it, it’s about YOU getting into the rhythm of what you are supposed to be doing right now. It’s resonating in your heart and soul, always speaking to you, undeniably, take heed. A positive career means you are working and doing your part to make a difference, and if we all do that, the World will continually change for the better.

My thoughts--After the birth of baby #3, I was able to stay home with him for 10 months while our older boys attended daycare. It was so wonderful and I will forever be grateful to my husband for letting me do that (even though we did go in debt for it). Since it was our third, I was much more relaxed about everything and able to just take it all in and bond with him. But I also knew I wasn't going to be able to stay home forever for financial reasons. And I'm not quite stay-at-home mom material (with all three, that is). So I got a new job that "fits" very well right now. The best part about the job is the fact that it's a small family-owned business (and they also have 3 young children). So I'm not just a number. I'm one of 2 employees in the office. And my hours are 10am-5pm so I never have to RUSH to get the boys to daycare and fight traffic to arrive somewhere by 8am. Is it my DREAM job? No. But it's just fine for now. I'm learning new stuff everyday and I just enjoy that I'm able to contribute...at work AND financially at home. It's not exactly the best pay and that's something we are a little concerned with...but for right now, I enjoy going to work and it doesn't stress me out. That's a complete 180 from what my husband is experiencing--so I think it's good that at least ONE of us can be relatively sane. HA!

A side point to this is that I've always loved to write...so to me, finally starting this blog is a step in the right direction.

10. Live from Your Heart

Open your heart and live from it each day. Love is always the answer. You Got This!

My thoughts--Love IS always the answer!!!

Here is an image that I grabbed from the same website. I am REALLY feeling #4 lately!

Just Breathe

Right now, as I type this, I am crying and my heart is very heavy and full of sadness.

Earlier this evening, I was searching the internet for websites/blogs about "large" families (meaning more than 3 kids). I was reading people's opinions as to whether or not it is better to have 3 or 4 children. As you know from my previous posts, I've had baby on the brain lately. Recently, I had a date night with my husband in which he told in so many words, that it wasn't COMPLETELY out of the question--but it would be something we'd have to SERIOUSLY think about. A one in a million chance? "So you're saying there's a chance?" HA! A little Jim Carey for ya. I digress...

But in my usual, seemingly endless nighttime Googling...I ended up back on Facebook and saw that a friend had liked a post on someone else's page. However, that someone else, isn't "here" anymore. You see, his page is one that he set up in 2013 when he found out he had stage four lung cancer and needed some financial help for his family. Apparently since then he has been in and out of treatments, was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer and from what I can gather became unresponsive to treatments. He just passed away at the end of August. He's 2 years younger than me and based on the people I know who have liked his "Team" page, he must have gone to high school with me (actually just confirmed that). He left behind a beautiful wife and two adorable children--a boy, age 5 and a girl who is about 2.

The most recent post on his page (the one that my friend "liked") was a montage of pictures of his life set to the song "Just Breathe" by Eddie Vedder (if you don't know this song, I urge you to drop everything and listen to it.) The video started out with pictures of his mom pregnant with him, then showed images of him as a baby, him with his brothers and so on up until it shows him in the last few months, and closes with a shot of him with his wife and kids. And I just started crying so hard.

Watching that video tonight made me remember the entire reason I set up this blog--to remember EVERY DAY, that JOY trumps perfect. Being happy and having joy beats out any desire to be "perfect" in every example you could ever think of.

In my 30's--OK, late 30's--I have finally started to reach that point in life that I've heard so much about. That quintessential point where you begin to stop caring (as much) what others think, and where you start becoming comfortable in your own skin. Where you begin to realize that your mom was right when she said, "Money can't buy you happiness" and your dad said, "You can't take it with you when you die." It's not about THINGS--life is about loving others and reveling in the joy that comes from the little moments.

Today, against my husbands advice, I went to the store. He told me yesterday that we were going to have to watch our spending until we get paid again. But I went to the store anyway and somehow spent $165. Yes, some of that was groceries, but a good chunk of that was unnecessary items that I/WE just don't NEED. I am the first to admit that this is one of my biggest faults if not THE biggest. And I'm also finding it the hardest one to change. But I'm aware of it. Isn't that the first step? (sorry--always throwing out a little humor.)

Anyway, I also hoped that starting this blog would help me FEEL accountable to those kinds of excessive actions. I thought "talking" it out (or typing) might help. I have so many thoughts about what is the RIGHT thing to do or what SHOULD be important, but my actions don't always follow suit.

And since they kind of happened subsequently--the reading about families with more than 3 kids and then watching the montage video of a person my age with a spouse and young kids--now I'm starting to wonder if the desire to have one more child isn't also "excessive?" It's so hard to TRULY answer that question because in this situation, we're not talking about a pretty dress at Anthropologie or some jeans at Nordstrom. We're talking about a LIFE, a human being. Watching that video tonight of this person's life made me really take a step back.

I guess what I really need is to reorganize my priorities.

LIVING life is like being in a classroom every single day. I'm learning EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Sadly, the lessons I'm learning now seem much more important than some of the ones I paid for in college. So no, I'm NOT perfect and yes, I'm still learning. Just because I started a blog titled "Joy Trumps Perfect" doesn't mean that I've found ALL the answers and that I am there--all perfect and whatnot. NOPE, not me.

I'm not saying that I've changed my mind about wanting one more child. I'm just saying that I think sometimes, we all need that reality check to bring us back down to...well, reality and to remind us of what is really important.

My heart aches for this family who is left without a husband and a father (and a son and a brother). And to think, that could be us. Or a close family member. Or a good friend. So, for the time being, I just want to focus on ALL the little things that bring us joy. Maybe right now is not the time to be worrying about growing our family, but rather ENJOYING us just the way we are. And it's certainly not the time to be stocking up on unnecessary "things." Things aren't going to make me a better person or teach my children right from wrong. We have to stock up on love and happiness and remember that Joy (and love) trump perfection. And we have to remember to "Just Breathe."

"Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side."

Umbilical Hernia Repair Surgery (Oh, and a wandering IUD)

Hey there. Just recovering from the surgery I had yesterday. Yep, surgery. SURPRISE!

I'm not sure where to begin. I guess I'll start at the beginning...

After I had our second child, I noticed that my belly button was an "outie" but not in a cute, 6-pack-abs kind of way. It didn't hurt, it just looked ugly (and kind of pudgy). Fast-forward about 11 months later and I was about 12 weeks pregnant with baby #3. My mom and I went to lunch one day and I ate too much and was VERY full afterwards and noticed that my belly button had become REALLY tender. My mother is a nurse so I showed it to her and she said, "Oh, that's a hernia." Being a nurse, things like that just roll off of her tongue with no cause for concern. But I remember thinking that if it hurt this bad now and I was only 12 weeks pregnant, how much more was it going to hurt as my belly grew?

However, I soon found that as my belly got bigger, my belly button didn't necessarily hurt any worse. It was still a little sensitive (especially when I'd eat too much) but no big deal. And my OBGYN even kind of blew it off and said that "umbilical hernias" are somewhat common for pregnant women and it may fix itself after the baby was born.

Well, fast forward another 10 months or so (baby #3 about 2-3 months) and my belly button was still herniated. As the months went by, I would notice that it would hurt when I ate too much but nothing too crazy. I also could push the hernia completely back in. It would always immediately come back out, but it was able to go in and out with ease and I found myself playing with it often. I was told that the fact that I could push it back in was a "good" thing because that meant my intestines weren't strangulating. Ah-nice, thank you. Earlier this summer, I had an annual appointment with a general practitioner and I mentioned the hernia to her in our discussions. She actually even questioned if it was in fact a hernia but suggested I see a gastroenterologist to see how much and what exactly was sticking through. I said, "Well, it doesn't really bother me, should I be concerned?" You see, I had read a few horror stories about hernia repair surgeries. Damn Google. But her response was that it may not bother me now, but when things start slowing down when I'm 65, ahem, meaning my digestion, it could become a serious problem. Yes ma'am. Got it. No need for a dying small intestine. So I made an appointment with the gastroenterologist that my mom sees that she's known for many years.

Now, wouldn't you know that for the past few weeks, I've REALLY been trying to focus on my health and losing weight. I've been eating better and I've been exercising.  I just finally got to that point where I was DONE with being blah and I was focused on losing weight. I have learned that I have to be careful with what kinds of abdominal exercises I do because I also have diastisis recti--a separation of my abdominal muscles that is common among women who have had multiple pregnancies. This diastisis is not something that a surgery will fix. And certain exercises like sit-ups, burpees, & planks can make the separation worse. It's frustrating because I'm working on losing my "mummy tummy" but I can't do so with traditional exercises. But you can also imagine that the fact that there is a separation at all could likely be what assisted the hernia in "popping out." I'm not sure if I exercised "too hard" (4 days a week was likely "too hard" for my body) but last weekend, my belly button started bothering me.

We were off on Monday for Labor day so we did a bunch of family things, including a trip to the zoo, lunch at our brother-in-law's restaurant, a trip to the grocery store followed by dinner at the restaurant that is attached to the grocery. When I went to order my dinner at the restaurant, I remember feeling strange. It was as if I was hungry, but I felt like nothing else could fit in my stomach and my belly button was REALLY SORE all day. When we got home I laid down on the bed and tried to push my belly button back in--to no avail. It was SO tender and so sore and not just the belly button but a good 2-3 inches all around it was tender. Great. Just great. Well, the good news was that the gastroenterology appointment I had made months prior was the next day--good timing!!!!

I went to the appointment and sure enough, the doctor agreed that I had a hernia, said I would have to have surgery relatively soon to fix it and ordered a full gastroenterology work-up on me. Colonoscopy, Endoscopy and all! I wasn't thrilled at the idea, but I do have some digestive issues that I've always wondered about so I guess you could say I was "reluctantly excited" about all of that. But he told me he didn't think my intestines were "strangulated" or that the hernia was any cause for immediate concern. First step was to schedule a CT-Scan so that they could see how much (and what) was "caught" in the hernia. Luckily, I was able to make that appointment 2 days later (on Thursday). I got some bloodwork done at his office and then was on my way.

Thursday arrived and I went to my CT-Scan. While filling out the paperwork, they have you complete and sign this acknowledgment page that you are not or could not possibly be pregnant. I hesitated a little. If you read my first (ever) blog post here, you'll recall that I had a strange little "scare" recently, even though I have an IUD. Basically just had some cramping that was VERY unusual. AND 10 days after that blog post, I had some spotting which was also VERY strange since I haven't had any spotting or periods at all during the year that I've had this IUD. So I mentioned the recent scare to the tech but assured her that I was 99.9% sure I wasn't pregnant, blah, blah, blah. We agreed that it was obviously a fluke thing and to proceed with the radiation, I mean CT-Scan (because after about 5 negative tests, it's pretty clear you're NOT pregnant. WHAT? Don't judge, I had my reasons!). Thirty minutes later and I was done and on my way. As I left, I asked the lady at the front desk to please send my results over to the gastroenterologist ASAP b/c I had an appointment in the morning (Friday) and he could review them with me then. The appointment was just for a lactose intolerance test, but I wanted those results because my belly button was getting more tender, a little more pink, and harder each day. OH--and I've failed to mention that I hadn't pooped since Sunday (even though I was taking Miralax and a stool softener). Sorry--TMI? Oh well, read another blog.

I stopped to get a salad to bring back to work (fiber) and was headed on my way when my phone rang and it was the gastroenterologist's office. My doctor got on the phone and said that I needed to go ahead and head over to the general surgeon's office TODAY. In the 30 minutes since I had left the imaging clinic had already sent over my scans. Sure enough, my hernia appeared to be "incarcerated" meaning something was stuck--might be intestines, might just be a bulge of fat/tissue--and I had to have surgery sooner rather than later. OK, I thought. I had been saying all week that my belly button "wasn't right" so I was sort of prepared for this news. Then as we were about to hang up, my doctor said, "Oh and also, your IUD is NOT in place." Me: "OH REALLY????" Things are beginning to make sense.

Got to the general surgeon's office and my mom met me there. He was a very nice, funny doctor and made me feel very at ease. He looked at my stomach, said that more than likely it was "fat" poking through (lovely) and that he does surgeries like this all the time, he'd push the hernia back in, put some mesh in there and it would be fixed. We talked about stitching the hole up versus the mesh. He said that there is more likely a recurrence when you simply stitch up the hole. While we were talking, he still had not received my actual scans but just then his nurse popped in and said, "Her scans are in." He asked to be excused and I said, "Oh, do you mind if we come with you, I'd like to see them." So my mom and I followed him into his office.

Looking at the scans, you could clearly see my belly button poking out and he showed me a spot where maybe my intestines looked swollen but it might just be the angle, blah, blah, blah. As he started to get up, I said, "Do you mind...the doctor mentioned that my IUD wasn't in place. Can you see it?" He sat back down and started scrolling through the scans..."Hmmmmm." His head tilted sideways. "Hmmmmm....ok....mmmmm." I could see what he was "hmmmm-ing" about. I could see my uterus and then off to the side and a bit "north" of my uterus, I could see my IUD. He rubbed his bald head and took a few deep breaths. We headed back to the consult room. He told me the hernia surgery--no big deal, easy-peasy. The IUD part--a little more tricky b/c he wasn't sure if it was even in my uterus anymore. He mentioned things like it could poke my bowels, or cause my uterus to bleed. All I could think was--GET that thing out!!!! I've never been a huge fan of my IUD. From the moment of pure, agonizing pain when my OBGYN put it in place (and then had to essentially put it in place again b/c she didn't get it right the first time) I just wasn't sure how I felt about it. NOT having a period...that's great and all...but isn't that what our female bodies are SUPPOSED to do? It just seemed so unnatural to me. I mean, sure it was nice to not have a period or any cramps or PMS. But lately, I've just kind of been over that thing. ESPECIALLY when I had those recent cramps and thought perhaps I had gotten pregnant. Ever since then, I've REALLY wanted it out. But NOW it all makes sense. My guess is the cramps may have been when it was escaping from my uterus by poking a hole through it and then the spotting was a result of that.

Anyway--surgeon said he'd do my surgery the next morning (which was Friday) at 11:00 am. He planned to do it as outpatient (in and out in one day) but because of the IUD issue, he couldn't make any promises until he got in my abdomen. He also wanted to do the surgery at the actual hospital instead of his outpatient clinic that way there would be OBGYNs on staff in case he needed one. I thought that was a good idea.

So home I went to "Google" my night away...umbilical hernia repair, hernia surgery recovery, IUD migration, embedded IUD, etc.

Friday morning we drove to the hospital. Got admitted, registered, changed, in my holding bed...and then the waiting game. Surgeon was running late. By the way--my chart said my surgery was for "Incarcerated Umbilical Hernia and Removal of 'foreign body'." Doctor finally got there around 12:30 and they gave me what they called my "margarita" in my IV at about 12:45. They wheeled me to the operating room and I remember talking to the nurse and laughing and thinking I was going to remember what we were talking about...NOPE.

I guess I woke up after I was brought to the recovery room. I was drinking water and eating crackers (both of which would come RIGHT back up in a few short minutes) when my husband and mom came in. Surgery was over and all was good. Hernia--just fat poking through (I'm glad it was just fat--but ew. I mean EW!). IUD--FOUND with one of the "arms" poking out of my uterus. He said he was able to get that out by pulling gently on the string. Guess he said the "hole" was small enough that it would fix itself. I think I slept a little more b/c it was Friday around 4:30 and we knew traffic would be bad. I had to go to the bathroom as a prerequisite to leave. Had a little bit of bleeding so I got to request some of my favorite mesh underwear! I think I'm the only crazy person who likes those things. Anyway, like I said earlier, I vomited after I got up and walked around--nurse said that was VERY normal. They even had little plastic barf bags in a dispenser in the wall (of course I grabbed three to put in my car thinking only of the boys...and then I grabbed a couple extra for me). We finally left and headed home. I was nauseous the entire ride home. Got out of the car, walked inside and vomited three more times. I felt MUCH better afterwards!

They gave me Hydrocodone/Acetaminophen ("Norco") for the pain. And told me to keep up my Miralax, GasX, Dulcolax and probiotics. I've had three c-sections...I KNOW about keeping things "moving" after surgery when you are on pain killers. I don't even TRY to mess with that. Scary thing is that I was already having issues prior to surgery...so I'm REALLY backed up now (where IS my water by the way?).

I came home with a square piece of gauze over my belly button kept in place by the thinnest piece of clear tape I've ever seen. The tape is about 6" x 6" and is stretched right over my belly button in the center of my stomach. I don't even know how I'm going to get this tape off b/c it is SO thin and feels like a part of my skin. I think they told me to take a shower and take it off the day after surgery but I haven't yet. My mom (the nurse) said I could wait until tomorrow--best to keep that wound clean b/c you don't want to get an infection--even the doctor told me that is just awful.

I also have two small incisions on each side of my belly button, about 4 inches or so from my belly button. These were for cameras and "tools" I believe so that he could see the hernia better and fine the IUD. They are covered by 2 vertical steri-strips (one strip on each side). They told me to leave those strips on until they fall off or until my follow-up appointment.

I was in a lot of pain the first day after surgery but it was totally manageable with the Norco. Our boys even came home that afternoon--although I didn't play or interact much with them. I mostly slept. Problem was, I had this POUNDING headache and I personally think it was from the codeine in the Norco. My mom said that it could also just be from all the anesthesia drugs. I took the Norco until day 2 post op, and then I switched to rotating between regular Tylenol (1,000 mg) and Ibuprofen (800mg). My mom told me to wait and not take Ibuprofen the first day in case I had some additional bleeding from the IUD removal. But being that today is Sunday (it's taken me two days to write this post), she said it was OK to take. I also had coffee this morning. So I'm not sure if getting off of the codeine helped in getting rid of my headache or if drinking some coffee helped (my caffeine headaches are usually torturous). But I'm glad to have that gone. I'm VERY bloated with lots of gas--however, that gas doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Strange. The pain from my surgery is mostly only felt when I get up from laying or sitting down. Rolling over in bed yesterday was pretty painful, but today is a little better. I've been sleeping with a pillow under my belly when I'm on my side. It feels better to sleep on back though. When I get up from laying down, it basically feels like my insides take some time to adjust themselves and they just sort of burn. Well, not sort of--they burn. It also feels like I did about 1,463 sit ups.

My husband is a godsend. I'm so very lucky to have him. He's taking care of our boys, cleaned the entire house (mopping as I type), allowing me to rest AND this week--the real challenge--he'll take the boys each morning to daycare and also pick them up, bring them home, feed them, bathe them and put them to bed. Or I suppose that I could put them to bed...except actually lifting middle and little into their cribs. But I could read to them. The nighttime routine is usually ALL me b/c hubs works long hours. He's going to be exhausted I know. I'm hoping that I can rest for about a week. I think after that I should be good. Maybe a week and a half. My in-laws are also life savers! They watched the boys for us Thursday & Friday night (after watching the youngest all week bc he had fever). They never hesitate to help if they are available and they are wonderful with the boys! All of our parents have offered to help and I know they would jump if we asked. We are so grateful and so lucky!

All in all, I'm very glad that things happened the way they did. I'm glad to have the hernia fixed. AND I think we are SO lucky to have found the "free-agent" IUD. In a way, I can't help but wonder if this is a "sign" that I shouldn't have an IUD :) But I'm not really one to believe in things like that. I would just like to remind everyone to TRUST their bodies. I knew that my hernia had gone from being "OK" to being something that needed to be fixed in just a matter of days. Once I wasn't able to push it in anymore, I knew things had changed and I knew I'd better get that CT-Scan sooner rather than later. So when she asked me, I told her I wanted the appointment ASAP. And I KNEW something was going on internally when I had those cramps and that spotting that I now know are from my IUD migration. I wish I would have gone to my OBGYN when it first happened but I guess I figured it was normal. But I shouldn't have thought that--if I hadn't had any cramps or bleeding in the past year, to suddenly have them isn't "normal." Luckily, that was only a few weeks ago. So I guess that brings me to the fact that I'm GLAD that I mentioned that little "change" to all of the doctors and even to the technician at the CT-Scan.

A friend asked me if I was upset with my OBGYN regarding the IUD. Of course not. I certainly don't think that she would have INTENTIONALLY put it in incorrectly. I think somehow, it just moved. How could that be her fault? It has been a year since she put it in. I do know that I won't be getting another IUD. :) I'm not certain at this point what our birth control choice will be. I think I'll just watch my cycles until my annual appointment in November and discuss with my doctor then.

I wanted to type this up and put it "out there" because I've recently been doing a lot of research on postpartum umbilical hernias and found it helpful when I read other's accounts. I also did about 24 hours of IUD migration research online. HA! My follow-up appointment is in 11 days so I'll be able to talk to the surgeon sans the "foggy" brain and find out a bit more about the surgery. I'll post an update at that time. I took some before and after pictures. My surgeon also gave me a couple of pictures of my innards of what I think is the lone arm of the Mirena sticking out of my uterus (picture taken from lower abdomen I assume). I'll post those at the very bottom so be warned that they are down there. I'll also confirm with my doctor at the follow up appointment exactly what we are looking at in those images.

The first three images are from the night before the surgery (when I was VERY bloated, mind you). Is it bad that now that I see these pictures I just want to draw a face on there with my belly button as the nose? HA!

Here is one picture from day one post-op:

Here are a few pics from about 2.5 days post-op and after my first shower in which I removed the center tape and gauze that covered my belly button. The incision is so small and I know soon you'll never even KNOW it's there! yay! You can see in the second picture there is still the vertical tape on the left side (my right side):

And lastly--the "innards" picture!! Again, I'm not 100% sure what this picture is showing but will find out in a few days--but obviously you can see the "wandering" Mirena with it's one arm sticking through something...

A few thoughts from today

Dammit. I intended for my second post to at least introduce myself and provide my intent for this blog. But once again, I have so many thoughts running through my brain and I need to unload them. I have quite a funny inner-dialogue going on at ALL times. Here are a few snippets of today's thoughts:

1. My youngest "shat" all over himself and his car seat on the way to daycare...WHY, WHY does this "shit" always happen to me? Here I am, starting my first week back at the whole "working out/eating right" thing--which requires a SHITLOAD of time that I don't have--and I got to spend a good 20 extra minutes at daycare in the parking lot with a naked, shit-covered boy while all the other parents drove past us and gave me the, "Oh...you're THAT mom" look. Which leads me to...

2. WHY DIDN'T I REPLENISH MY EXTRA STASH OF "EMERGENCY" DIAPERS & EXTRA CLOTHES IN MY CAR????? After the humiliation of being "that" mom in the parking lot changing her baby in the back of her SUV...I was the fortunate soul who got to carry my baby inside bare-bottomed while my older two just laughed and laughed. Why? WHY????? I just want to get home and work out. Wait. Back the truck up--did that thought just come out of MY brain? Nope. Not possible. Moving on.

3. Some days I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO exhausted I can barely make it to 7pm. Today, however, I feel like I got more accomplished than I have all week. I got up at 6am, got dressed and brushed my teeth, went to wake up middle child, read him a book b/c I woke up early enough to do that, brushed his teeth (we NEVER have time to do that in the mornings), woke up the baby and got him ready for school, remembered to grab extra clothes for him (THANK GOD--see #1 above), came downstairs and got oldest dressed (he slept in our bed last night b/c we stayed up late watching American Ninja Warrior), ensured that I had all required sippy-cups of milk and granola bars for the car ride, loaded boys up, drove to daycare, completely cleaned up my youngest with approximately 247 wipes in the back of my SUV b/c his diaper leaked in his car seat, dropped all the kids off, got back home and took apart the car seat to wash the cover, had to hose down the car seat (sans cover) in the front yard (Yep, I became THAT neighbor), packed my lunch and snacks to take to work (since I'm on my new "eating right" kick), put the frozen meatballs I made by hand last night into the crock pot, went to work, worked, came home around 4:45 to put the carseat back together, did my 30 minute work-out video, left at 5:35 to go pick the boys up, got home around 6:30, boiled water to make pasta to go with the meatballs, took our middle child to the potty so he could poop (he's scared of going and this was his first time to go with me in a couple of weeks), served up dinner, had to make a "new" sauce of 1/2 jarred spaghetti sauce and 1/2 alfredo sauce b/c the sauce I previously made was AWFUL (and the meatballs were comparable to dog food in my opinion), ate dinner (with ONE naked child), did dishes from two days prior in which I was prepping and making a bunch of my "healthy" food for the week, gave the 2 youngest baths while oldest took a shower, got all kinds in their PJs, clipped 2 boys toes and fingernails, brushed their teeth, put baby to bed, read two books to middle, read two books to oldest, laid with him for 10 minutes, came downstairs, got more wine, started typing my blog post, oldest appeared and climbed into our bed, and that about takes me to now.

HOLY CRAP I got a lot done today.

4. I can't believe I have resorted to drinking boxed wine just like my mom did 20 years ago. But let’s be honest (and budget friendly)…it lasts longer!!! However, I will NOT subject myself to that white zinfandel crap that she used to drink (and I used to steal). Don't worry--it was late, late teens/early 20's.

5. Today while doing my workout video--I had to physically HOLD my stomach with my hand in order to complete the jumping jack portion. NOTHING will get you more motivated to lose your fat tummy than holding your fat tummy.

6. I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to get away with rapping all the lyrics to Dr. Dre or Salt 'N Peppa in the car. The two oldest seem VERY intrigued by it all...but I dread the day they ask me, "Mom, what does Shoop mean?" (I should be ashamed.)

7. When I am complaining about how busy I am, friends with older kids often tell me that they "totally remember" what it was like when their kids were younger...but I question, "DO YOU REALLY? Do you REALLY remember because I think if you did, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation because you would "remember" that I'm FREAKING BUSY, OK?!?!?!

8. Why am I OBSESSED with my children...when they are sleeping?????? I could stare at those angel faces for hours upon hours.

9. Why do I still have baby brain (see my first blog post)? Although it's definitely reduced, I am just so, so sad that this will be our last baby. I hug our youngest now and just soak in as much of that baby smell as I can. It's so odd to me how I can want this more than anything I've ever wanted in the world and then 7 minutes later when the boys are misbehaving, I want NOTHING to do with this idea. Truthfully though, even when I find myself thinking, "How would I ever make dinner, do laundry, do the dishes, go pee, etc. with 4 kids?" I STILL have this part of me that tries to convince myself that we could do it--we've done it before and it would be so great! 

So that was a look into just a FEW of my thoughts today. I guess I’m going to go to bed now and rest my brain.

Positively Negative

Here it is--my first blog post. Something I've been thinking about doing for well over a year now. But right now, I have so much to say, I'll have to save the introductions and intent for the next post. 

Today was a whirlwind. I took 4 pregnancy tests. No big deal, right? Well--it IS a big deal when you already have three kids all under the age of 5--AND you have an IUD. 

You see, I had a CRAZY dream this past weekend that I was pregnant again. It was one of those intensely vivid dreams that feels so incredibly real that you wake up and are so drained and tired that you just want to go back to sleep to see what happens in the rest of the dream. One of those dreams that you review the details of over and over in the shower that morning or on the drive to work. Then later in the day--when you try to recall even ONE detail, they have all escaped you. Almost as if you dreamed that you had the dream...

How is it that I can recall every little detail about a dream 20 minutes after I wake up from it--even going so far as to review the dream repeatedly in my head JUST so that I don't forget it. But 5 hours later, I've got nothing. Just a VERY fuzzy, VERY faint memory?

Anyhow, once I had that dream, a little switch in my brain flipped and I've had BABY on the brain for the past 5 days. Then, yesterday, I started noticing some mild lower abdominal discomfort. I very familiar feeling--I've had it 3 times before (she whispers, "3 kids"). This morning when I woke up, it was there again. I quickly looked at the calendar on my phone. I don't want to get TOO detailed, but after conceiving three children, I'm pretty aware of my body and it's "timing." Women may understand this statement--men--not a chance. Anyways, I decided to stop by the store on my way home from dropping the boys off at daycare and get some tests. This is a feeling I KNOW I've had before. And here's how my test-taking went today:

Test 1: 9:00 am. Back at home. I've been awake since 6am so let's just say, I didn't pee much. I waited and waited but the test never even showed ONE line (which basically means that I took the test "incorrectly"--supposed to be a full stream, people). I put the cap back on the test and shoved it back in the wrapper and into my purse. Don't ask. I also put one extra test in my purse to take with me b/c I knew this wasn't going to be something I just "dismissed."

Test 2: I was about to leave work and head to lunch when I decided to take the second test. Like I said, I knew it wasn't going to be something that I just dismissed. As I waited, the results appeared to be negative. Phew. But also :( 

WHAT THE???? At this point in our lives, I should ONLY be feeling the "Phew" part. I stuck the test in the side of my car door (where my daily "car trash" accumulates) and went to lunch. About 30 minutes later, I got back in my car and ever so casually peeked over at the test--wait, TWO LINES??? WHAT?!?!?! I didn't really freak out because my first thought was that you are only supposed to interpret the results for 10 minutes, and then discard the test. Perhaps the fact that I left it out in the HOT car made some sort of impact on the results? However, this was a VERY obvious positive. Check it out--that's CLEARLY two blue lines.

I decide I need more tests--a digital one in the least, just to clear up any confusion.

As I mentioned--I have an IUD. And I'm FREAKING out bc if I am pregnant, IUD pregnancies usually end in miscarriage. I want to call my OBGYN and rush to her office so she can yank this IUD out, but a timid voice of reason tells me to CHILL and wait until I take the digital test. So I stop at the nearest pharmacy and buy a pack of digital tests and also, for good measure, a pack of the cheapy, blue line ones. 

Test 3: I get back to work and unbeknownst to my co-workers, I unwrap the digital test, shove it under my blouse and head to the bathroom. Take test. Carefully (and cleanly) put the test back under my blouse and head back to my desk to wait. An ETERNITY passes. Literally. I've got my fingers over the screen. Finally the blinking hourglass disappears and I slowly move my hand to the right to see "Not Pregnant." Again...Phew. But also :(

What the FRICK is wrong with me???? 

Test 4: I take another "cheapy" test when my coworkers leave for the day. It comes back negative. Mind you--the discomfort (read as: cramps) I'm feeling is getting worse and worse as the day progresses. I'm concerned about an ectopic pregnancy which, if you are going to get pregnant while on an IUD (VERY rare), is likely to happen. 

Test 5: I come home and rummage through all the tests and wrappers I discarded in the plastic bag from the pharmacy to find the cheapy one that is opened but doesn't appear to be used. This, my friends, was the very FIRST one I used that day (remember, when I barely had any pee). I figure, I'll just pee on this one (again). ?????  Well, I mean, at this point, it's just for fun, right? Another negative. Even 30 minutes later--still negative. I threw it in my box of takeout food and went about my business. 

At this point, I'm not sure if it was the realization that I'm NOT in fact pregnant (that 2nd test was obviously a fluke--and I did a lot of googling of course. I think the second line was what they call an evaporation line), or if I'm just too busy dealing with our nighttime routine--or a combination. 

But here's the THING (there's always a "thing): I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I've told my friends/family before--I love being pregnant (could easily do without that 9th month, though). I have REALLY enjoyed all three of my pregnancies. And I LOVE the excitement of taking pregnancy tests (if you hadn't picked up on that already, you should get a clue). But I only love the excitement when the result is positive. MENTALLY, I know that I should be excited that the test came back negative. But EMOTIONALLY, I feel defeated and sad.

I remember how and when I found out EACH time we were pregnant and I remember almost exactly how I felt. Unlike that dream I had where it kind of gets fuzzy as time passes, I vividly recall the utter excitement when I saw "Pregnant" on our first conception. And then after trying for 6 months for baby #2, I remember taking tests each month and being disappointed until finally one Monday morning after we had just moved into our new house, I saw those two lines. I remember JUMPING out of bed and saying, "NO WAY!" a hundred times. And the third time--a complete surprise--I remember the BOOM, slap-in-the-face shock and excitement that rushed through my veins. We weren't ready, but I was SO glad that it had happened. 

Today was a ROLLER coaster. I am still having the lower abdominal discomfort but it has finally eased a little. I just haven't had this feeling at ALL thus far with my IUD. I haven't had ANY "monthly" symptoms since before I got pregnant with #3. So I will say this is a little "odd" to me.

If we were to get pregnant--which I realize is EXTREMELY RARE--I would be so scared of miscarriage. And I'd be SO scared that if we actually got pregnant while I was on an IUD and then it ended in miscarriage that my husband would run off to the nearest doctor for a snip, snip. From day one--I haven't really liked this whole IUD thing. I don't much care for having extra hormones in my body--and I was pretty good at just tracking my cycles (to be fair--when we "surprisingly" got pregnant with #3--I had warned my husband that I didn't think it was a good "time". And we also thought that since it took us 6 months to get pregnant with #2, that it just wasn't likely). But I also don't like the IUD b/c I truly enjoyed the "surprise" of #3. I know my husband will never WILLINGLY try for a fourth. And I probably wouldn't either. But if it just "happened"....I think I'd feel :)

Tomorrow is a new day. And it's also a day in which I will take the last digital test I have from the pack I bought today. What? I want to be SURE SURE...and since you're supposed to take the tests first thing in the morning, I must. 

It'll be interesting to see what I dream about tonight. But don't count on a post about it--I won't remember. 

P.S. Did I mention that hubby is out of town and I haven't told him ANY of this. No need to stir the pot! :)