Positively Negative

Here it is--my first blog post. Something I've been thinking about doing for well over a year now. But right now, I have so much to say, I'll have to save the introductions and intent for the next post. 

Today was a whirlwind. I took 4 pregnancy tests. No big deal, right? Well--it IS a big deal when you already have three kids all under the age of 5--AND you have an IUD. 

You see, I had a CRAZY dream this past weekend that I was pregnant again. It was one of those intensely vivid dreams that feels so incredibly real that you wake up and are so drained and tired that you just want to go back to sleep to see what happens in the rest of the dream. One of those dreams that you review the details of over and over in the shower that morning or on the drive to work. Then later in the day--when you try to recall even ONE detail, they have all escaped you. Almost as if you dreamed that you had the dream...

How is it that I can recall every little detail about a dream 20 minutes after I wake up from it--even going so far as to review the dream repeatedly in my head JUST so that I don't forget it. But 5 hours later, I've got nothing. Just a VERY fuzzy, VERY faint memory?

Anyhow, once I had that dream, a little switch in my brain flipped and I've had BABY on the brain for the past 5 days. Then, yesterday, I started noticing some mild lower abdominal discomfort. I very familiar feeling--I've had it 3 times before (she whispers, "3 kids"). This morning when I woke up, it was there again. I quickly looked at the calendar on my phone. I don't want to get TOO detailed, but after conceiving three children, I'm pretty aware of my body and it's "timing." Women may understand this statement--men--not a chance. Anyways, I decided to stop by the store on my way home from dropping the boys off at daycare and get some tests. This is a feeling I KNOW I've had before. And here's how my test-taking went today:

Test 1: 9:00 am. Back at home. I've been awake since 6am so let's just say, I didn't pee much. I waited and waited but the test never even showed ONE line (which basically means that I took the test "incorrectly"--supposed to be a full stream, people). I put the cap back on the test and shoved it back in the wrapper and into my purse. Don't ask. I also put one extra test in my purse to take with me b/c I knew this wasn't going to be something I just "dismissed."

Test 2: I was about to leave work and head to lunch when I decided to take the second test. Like I said, I knew it wasn't going to be something that I just dismissed. As I waited, the results appeared to be negative. Phew. But also :( 

WHAT THE???? At this point in our lives, I should ONLY be feeling the "Phew" part. I stuck the test in the side of my car door (where my daily "car trash" accumulates) and went to lunch. About 30 minutes later, I got back in my car and ever so casually peeked over at the test--wait, TWO LINES??? WHAT?!?!?! I didn't really freak out because my first thought was that you are only supposed to interpret the results for 10 minutes, and then discard the test. Perhaps the fact that I left it out in the HOT car made some sort of impact on the results? However, this was a VERY obvious positive. Check it out--that's CLEARLY two blue lines.

I decide I need more tests--a digital one in the least, just to clear up any confusion.

As I mentioned--I have an IUD. And I'm FREAKING out bc if I am pregnant, IUD pregnancies usually end in miscarriage. I want to call my OBGYN and rush to her office so she can yank this IUD out, but a timid voice of reason tells me to CHILL and wait until I take the digital test. So I stop at the nearest pharmacy and buy a pack of digital tests and also, for good measure, a pack of the cheapy, blue line ones. 

Test 3: I get back to work and unbeknownst to my co-workers, I unwrap the digital test, shove it under my blouse and head to the bathroom. Take test. Carefully (and cleanly) put the test back under my blouse and head back to my desk to wait. An ETERNITY passes. Literally. I've got my fingers over the screen. Finally the blinking hourglass disappears and I slowly move my hand to the right to see "Not Pregnant." Again...Phew. But also :(

What the FRICK is wrong with me???? 

Test 4: I take another "cheapy" test when my coworkers leave for the day. It comes back negative. Mind you--the discomfort (read as: cramps) I'm feeling is getting worse and worse as the day progresses. I'm concerned about an ectopic pregnancy which, if you are going to get pregnant while on an IUD (VERY rare), is likely to happen. 

Test 5: I come home and rummage through all the tests and wrappers I discarded in the plastic bag from the pharmacy to find the cheapy one that is opened but doesn't appear to be used. This, my friends, was the very FIRST one I used that day (remember, when I barely had any pee). I figure, I'll just pee on this one (again). ?????  Well, I mean, at this point, it's just for fun, right? Another negative. Even 30 minutes later--still negative. I threw it in my box of takeout food and went about my business. 

At this point, I'm not sure if it was the realization that I'm NOT in fact pregnant (that 2nd test was obviously a fluke--and I did a lot of googling of course. I think the second line was what they call an evaporation line), or if I'm just too busy dealing with our nighttime routine--or a combination. 

But here's the THING (there's always a "thing): I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I've told my friends/family before--I love being pregnant (could easily do without that 9th month, though). I have REALLY enjoyed all three of my pregnancies. And I LOVE the excitement of taking pregnancy tests (if you hadn't picked up on that already, you should get a clue). But I only love the excitement when the result is positive. MENTALLY, I know that I should be excited that the test came back negative. But EMOTIONALLY, I feel defeated and sad.

I remember how and when I found out EACH time we were pregnant and I remember almost exactly how I felt. Unlike that dream I had where it kind of gets fuzzy as time passes, I vividly recall the utter excitement when I saw "Pregnant" on our first conception. And then after trying for 6 months for baby #2, I remember taking tests each month and being disappointed until finally one Monday morning after we had just moved into our new house, I saw those two lines. I remember JUMPING out of bed and saying, "NO WAY!" a hundred times. And the third time--a complete surprise--I remember the BOOM, slap-in-the-face shock and excitement that rushed through my veins. We weren't ready, but I was SO glad that it had happened. 

Today was a ROLLER coaster. I am still having the lower abdominal discomfort but it has finally eased a little. I just haven't had this feeling at ALL thus far with my IUD. I haven't had ANY "monthly" symptoms since before I got pregnant with #3. So I will say this is a little "odd" to me.

If we were to get pregnant--which I realize is EXTREMELY RARE--I would be so scared of miscarriage. And I'd be SO scared that if we actually got pregnant while I was on an IUD and then it ended in miscarriage that my husband would run off to the nearest doctor for a snip, snip. From day one--I haven't really liked this whole IUD thing. I don't much care for having extra hormones in my body--and I was pretty good at just tracking my cycles (to be fair--when we "surprisingly" got pregnant with #3--I had warned my husband that I didn't think it was a good "time". And we also thought that since it took us 6 months to get pregnant with #2, that it just wasn't likely). But I also don't like the IUD b/c I truly enjoyed the "surprise" of #3. I know my husband will never WILLINGLY try for a fourth. And I probably wouldn't either. But if it just "happened"....I think I'd feel :)

Tomorrow is a new day. And it's also a day in which I will take the last digital test I have from the pack I bought today. What? I want to be SURE SURE...and since you're supposed to take the tests first thing in the morning, I must. 

It'll be interesting to see what I dream about tonight. But don't count on a post about it--I won't remember. 

P.S. Did I mention that hubby is out of town and I haven't told him ANY of this. No need to stir the pot! :)